No, I wasn’t depressed. I was sad and wouldn’t leave my bed. It was comfortable. I and my bed hold one of my closest relationships. It’s where I’m most honest. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed and I’ve poured the entirety of my heart out all on my bed. Truthfully, it’s not every morning that I have the strength to leave my bed. Some days it take more time but somehow, I leave.
On that particular day, I was sad because I couldn’t understand the meaning of life in general. There had to be a deeper meaning. Not to basically wash, rinse, repeat all day. I hate routines. All routines. Not the ones created for us, nor the ones I created for myself but it seems that’s everything ‘adulting’ is about. Living on the terms of societal expectations, family pressures and your inner voices basically still telling you what you should do.. or say.
“What about me?” I thought. I don’t want to do all these things. I am happiest and free when I’m out of my mind. Sometimes it’s confusing to know if my mind is for me or against me. Could it be possible all the things I think about are even by a little chance derived from external influence? With everything and everyone in my face and in my ears can I then say my thoughts are all mine. The subconscious is like a sponge, even when you are actively not listening it is still soaking everything up only to develop later into ideas you think are organically yours.
I read this post over and realised I may come off as crazy or nuts.. this is where I am supposed to go back and rewrite everything to sound like a sweet sane person but guess what? I think the actual people who are termed ‘crazy’ are living their best, truest and freest lives. They naturally see the world differently from their own perspectives alone.
I am sat here, thinking of how much I don’t want to conform to expectations.. guess what again, if you think long and hard about it, nonconformity for the sake of not conforming is conformity. So in the meantime, I’m just going to have my fourth piece of these 100 calories/piece coconut cream cookies and have Popeyes for dinner just because I feel like it. Or do I?
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